The Autopsy
We met with Goose's primary doctor this afternoon to go over her autopsy.
That sentence alone makes me sick.
The fact that today is the 4 month anniversary of the last time that I looked into my baby's eyes intensifies the feeling.
Four months ago we thought our baby had beat it all again and was on the road to recovery.
Four months ago I never would have thought that within the next 24 hours my baby would be gone.
And that four months later we would be learning what killed her.
I knew that I needed this.
I knew that it was critical for all the questions swirling in my head to be answered.
I knew that not knowing would send me continually down the rabbit-hole.
And I know now what we need to focus on.
What we will spend the rest of our lives advocating for.
To bring her justice.
To make her death mean something.
Anything.
The good:
-Nothing we did could have stopped this. {I realize that doesn't sound like a good, but really it is.}
-"Catching" her leukemia sooner wouldn't have changed anything.
-Finding out she was bleeding any sooner would not have saved her.
-When she died she was still cancer-free. {Small victory, I suppose.}
-This happened fast. Very fast. Which we all knew, but to know for sure that her death was not long-suffered helps. Sort of.
The bad:
-It was not merely a single artery that was bleeding. Her body was clotting and bleeding everywhere. Many of her organs were losing blood supply and turning necrotic.
-She had acute endocarditis. Her heart valves were septic. We thought the sepsis was "under control", but it apparently was not. And therefore her heart was distributing bacteria throughout her body unbeknownst to us.
The takeaway. While necessary to treat her cancer- chemotherapy killed our daughter. There is nothing ok about that. We now understand that the risk of death by infection in an ALL patient is like 1%, but our Goose, she was one in a billion. I have a feeling that she may be the only kid to have ever and who will ever battle not only cancer, but a disseminated fungal infection, cdiff, sinusoidal obstructive syndrome (VOD), corynebacterium sepsis and a whole gamut of other infections in just five months.
That sentence alone makes me sick.
The fact that today is the 4 month anniversary of the last time that I looked into my baby's eyes intensifies the feeling.
Four months ago we thought our baby had beat it all again and was on the road to recovery.
Four months ago I never would have thought that within the next 24 hours my baby would be gone.
And that four months later we would be learning what killed her.
I knew that I needed this.
I knew that it was critical for all the questions swirling in my head to be answered.
I knew that not knowing would send me continually down the rabbit-hole.
And I know now what we need to focus on.
What we will spend the rest of our lives advocating for.
To bring her justice.
To make her death mean something.
Anything.
The good:
-Nothing we did could have stopped this. {I realize that doesn't sound like a good, but really it is.}
-"Catching" her leukemia sooner wouldn't have changed anything.
-Finding out she was bleeding any sooner would not have saved her.
-When she died she was still cancer-free. {Small victory, I suppose.}
-This happened fast. Very fast. Which we all knew, but to know for sure that her death was not long-suffered helps. Sort of.
The bad:
-It was not merely a single artery that was bleeding. Her body was clotting and bleeding everywhere. Many of her organs were losing blood supply and turning necrotic.
-She had acute endocarditis. Her heart valves were septic. We thought the sepsis was "under control", but it apparently was not. And therefore her heart was distributing bacteria throughout her body unbeknownst to us.
The takeaway. While necessary to treat her cancer- chemotherapy killed our daughter. There is nothing ok about that. We now understand that the risk of death by infection in an ALL patient is like 1%, but our Goose, she was one in a billion. I have a feeling that she may be the only kid to have ever and who will ever battle not only cancer, but a disseminated fungal infection, cdiff, sinusoidal obstructive syndrome (VOD), corynebacterium sepsis and a whole gamut of other infections in just five months.
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| Shared before, but this photo was taken one year ago tomorrow. The 24th of February. |