17 months
17 months ago this moment I stood, shocked and naïve, watching my life's worst moment played out before my eyes. Believing that just like so many instances in the five months prior, my baby girl would arrive at sunrise having hurdled yet another setback.
But sunrise never came that morning.
Only our surgeons delivering words that- for the second time in our lives- no parent ever wants to hear.
And now, 17 months later, every single brutal minute of that night and day still plays over and over in my head.
The last time I ever saw my baby girl's eyes haunts me.
Seventeen months later the what-ifs still swirl taunting me with the hopes of what could have been.
What should have been.
I haven't blogged much the past few months. I have so many thoughts, but the inability to translate them from my mind to words. I wish I could describe the state of my life. The way I all but stumble through every day. Never fully feeling. Anything. Feeling happy. But never true joy. Feeling sadness, but not true sorrow. Except my Goose. My eyes well only for her anymore. I wish I could explain how empathetic my former self was. How I felt the hurts and griefs of those around me and could sympathize. But now I can express my condolences, but my words feel empty. How that lack of care has spread to so many areas of my life. All of it, really.
How completely and utterly broken my soul is.
And knowing that nothing will ever restore it.
The world continues on around me, forcing me along.
And all I want is to be back 22 months ago.
Finding the path that I had to have missed.
That path that keeps my Sunshine here with me.
The path that has my baby girl twirling in a pretty new dress preparing for Easter.
The path that didn't lead to here.
Rambling through my grief seventeen months later.
But sunrise never came that morning.
Only our surgeons delivering words that- for the second time in our lives- no parent ever wants to hear.
And now, 17 months later, every single brutal minute of that night and day still plays over and over in my head.
The last time I ever saw my baby girl's eyes haunts me.
Seventeen months later the what-ifs still swirl taunting me with the hopes of what could have been.
What should have been.
I haven't blogged much the past few months. I have so many thoughts, but the inability to translate them from my mind to words. I wish I could describe the state of my life. The way I all but stumble through every day. Never fully feeling. Anything. Feeling happy. But never true joy. Feeling sadness, but not true sorrow. Except my Goose. My eyes well only for her anymore. I wish I could explain how empathetic my former self was. How I felt the hurts and griefs of those around me and could sympathize. But now I can express my condolences, but my words feel empty. How that lack of care has spread to so many areas of my life. All of it, really.
How completely and utterly broken my soul is.
And knowing that nothing will ever restore it.
The world continues on around me, forcing me along.
And all I want is to be back 22 months ago.
Finding the path that I had to have missed.
That path that keeps my Sunshine here with me.
The path that has my baby girl twirling in a pretty new dress preparing for Easter.
The path that didn't lead to here.
Rambling through my grief seventeen months later.
 |
| Where did we go wrong, Goosey girl? |