44 days

"How many days has Lucy been in the hospital?" Zoee asked the other day. And as I added up the days the emotions rolled in. 

She fought for 158 days.

She only got to spend 44 days at home.

So for 114 of those days she was in the hospital.

44 days.

I have now been home, Goose-less, for longer than she got to be in the comfort of her home the entire time she was sick.

There is nothing right about that. Why was her journey so hard? Why didn't she get to just "do her time" and then live her life?

And yet I would give anything for 44 more days with her. Or a week. Another 24 hours. Just the ability to say all the things I wish I had, to let her know everything was going to be ok. That I am here with her, and I am so sorry that I can't save her, that I love her and am so proud of the battle she fought. Just a few more hours. Anything.

Goose, you are the bravest little girl I have ever known. Momma loves you more than words could ever say. We are doing okay, but we miss you so much. I love you, Sunshine.

From one of her 44 days.