Just another day

I am continuing to struggle with this holiday season. In past years Christmas was my "thing". It is the only holiday that I decorate for, I listen to the music pretty close to year-round, and I LOVE to shop. The only thing I can manage to do this year is shop. It really is therapy for the most part. Just being out and focusing on what will make the other kids and family happy helps. Until I walk through the toddler girl section and see all the beautiful dresses that Goose would have loved, all the fun leggings, Princess Sofia and Doc shirts. I have to actively avoid facing the side of the aisle that hold all those toys that she loved. I don't want to celebrate. What is there to celebrate? Sure, I will shower the kids with gifts, all this shopping has to produce something after all. But what joy is there. This is, in fact, not the most wonderful time of the year. I'm not merry. I'm not happy. I have no joy. No peace. I hope the kids can forgive me for this year, and any future years, but our house will be the Scrooge on the block. The Christmas spirit quite simply isn't arriving here.