thanks-withheld 2014

Five weeks and one day ago the trajectory we were on, I would have been filled with gratitude and singing my praises loud and clear. We were going to have a non-immunocompromised Thanksgiving, that was the "plan". Christmas- ha!- but we would have Thanksgiving at least!  Five weeks ago from this moment? I can't. Am I any less grateful for those moments now? No. Well, maybe. I don't know to be honest. Do I not appreciate my family, my children, my "health"? Of course not. But I can't bring myself to post ridiculous and sappy, meaningless posts because honestly I don't feel grateful. I'm not filled with thanksgiving for all that I have. I'm filled with anger over what I don't have. What was taken from me. What was done to her.
I made it through today. I woke up, I hosted, I managed to shut my brain off.  And I am so conflicted on my ability to do that. It doesn't feel right. It feels irreverent. But now, completely alone, I feel the door creeping open and it's just me and our memories.
I made it another day, Goosey. I'm doing ok. I think. I hope. I'm so sorry,  princess. Momma loves you so much. Sweet dreams, baby girl.