Regrets

So many. Every day I try my best to keep my mind and body occupied because if I don't I fall into the hole. The hole of continual anger and what-ifs and whys. And I get so mad at myself for all the things I cannot change. That I cannot take back. I am so mad at myself for every whine and need to make a Target run to "get away". Because every minute that I walked out of that room was a minute that I cannot get back with her. A minute that I wasn't there for her when she asked for me. A minute that I wasn't holding her hand in those last weeks, rubbing her soft hair, letting her know how brave and strong she is. Every one of those minutes are gone. Every night that I left is another night that I didn't get to sing to her. I didn't NEED to recharge. I didn't NEED to tend to the other kids. They are here. Now she isn't. Regrets. So very many.