The bad days
In the past 5 months I have to come to realize I have 2 types of days.
The ok and the bad.
The ok make up the majority of my days. I wake up, work out, come home, make it through my day doing what needs to be done. Think of my baby girl, take maybe one or two quiet moments. But overall, I am ok.
Then there are the bad. I start my day off aching. My chest feels concave for most of the day. A physical pain accompaying the harsh emotional pain, I suppose. Everything sets me off. I'm short-tempered, because dealing with everyone else and their petty problems when I should be helping my baby fight cancer just pisses me off. Everything reminds me of my Goose. And it's not happy. It's more gut-wrenching. I get so angry that she isn't here. I resent my other children because they are. I spend all day waiting for the moment I can just go to bed and wake up in a different reality.
Today was bad.
I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.
I settle for ok.
Ok is good.
Good feels wrong.
But bad.
Bad just makes the pain feel raw. New again.
I hate the bad.
But not nearly as much as I hate the fact that my days are empty without her.
Never great again.
Never able to reach their full potential.
It's just wake up, breathe, go to sleep. Repeat.
And pray it's not a bad day.
The ok and the bad.
The ok make up the majority of my days. I wake up, work out, come home, make it through my day doing what needs to be done. Think of my baby girl, take maybe one or two quiet moments. But overall, I am ok.
Then there are the bad. I start my day off aching. My chest feels concave for most of the day. A physical pain accompaying the harsh emotional pain, I suppose. Everything sets me off. I'm short-tempered, because dealing with everyone else and their petty problems when I should be helping my baby fight cancer just pisses me off. Everything reminds me of my Goose. And it's not happy. It's more gut-wrenching. I get so angry that she isn't here. I resent my other children because they are. I spend all day waiting for the moment I can just go to bed and wake up in a different reality.
Today was bad.
I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.
I settle for ok.
Ok is good.
Good feels wrong.
But bad.
Bad just makes the pain feel raw. New again.
I hate the bad.
But not nearly as much as I hate the fact that my days are empty without her.
Never great again.
Never able to reach their full potential.
It's just wake up, breathe, go to sleep. Repeat.
And pray it's not a bad day.
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| I wish you could hold me on these days, Sunshine. I need you here. |
