How do I live?

How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive

One of my favorite "love" songs, and ironically the first and only song I heard this morning. And I really do wonder, how am I living? I'm not even sure I could fully call what I am doing living, more surviving. Desperately trying to occupy every second of my day. Holding my shit together when I'm out of the house because to face reality in front of others is just too much. Every moment, my baby is on my mind. Sometimes right at the forefront of every thought and action, sometimes lingering in the background as I think about how these moments would be different if everything hadn't changed. 

My Lucy should have turned 4 yesterday.

And as I reflect on the time when each of the older three turned four- how interactive and aware they were. The little people they had become. The opinions they had formed and would now readily share. Who could she have been? What could she have done?

She was already such an amazing human. So completely herself, not working about conforming to anyone's idea of who or what she should be. The energy with which she approached every day. Never giving up. Be it as an baby, demanding attention and controlling the rest of the family. Or as a headstrong toddler- dominating over her older siblings. Or, for the brief time she was allowed, as a big sister. Finally with a little minion of her own to mold. She didn't even realize just how courageous she was. The battles she had to fight. The pain she had to endure. She didn't whine or protest. She just went to war, doing what her body knew it had to do. The word is over used, and I am a primary suspect. But my daughter, my Lucy, was truly amazing. 

And I hate that the rest of the world may never know that.

May never know what she had the potential to accomplish.

She would have moved mountains. Without a doubt.

My sweet Sunshine, I can only hope that the party they threw for you in heaven was as wonderful as the one I would have given you here. I don't know how I live without you. I'm not even sure most days that I want to. But, to give up would be no honor to you. So I press on. 

Happy 4th birthday, princess.

Our last birthday together.